Pity Party

The last seven days or so have been really, really hard for me.

It’s probably no secret that I’ve been on shaky ground for awhile because of all the changes in my personal and professional life, and not knowing how best to move forward.  I’m sad a lot.  I’m lonely a lot.  I’m confused and afraid and all sorts of other things.  And then last week, one more thing in my life went very, very wrong.

Without going into too much detail…I should have seen it coming.  In fact, I did see it coming, I just chose denial.  Maybe if I hadn’t already been in such a vulnerable state I would have made different choices…I don’t know.  What I do know is that it shook me up to see myself repeating mistakes and patterns I thought I had long since moved beyond.  And it made me sad to give up yet another beautiful illusion.

I suppose I should be happy and grateful for the clarity, but the truth is I wish I could have the fantasy back.

You can’t want something that doesn’t exist.  Well, you CAN, I suppose.  But you have to reason with yourself at times like this and appreciate the futility.  Sometimes it’s not easy to reason with yourself.

The rain is not helping.

All I want to do is eat Oreos and crawl into bed and sleep for about three days.  I am just so tired.

But I’ve got things to do, and I suppose I should be grateful for that, too.