This week I have been corresponding with a promising man whom I did NOT meet through online dating.  You may recall my friend and former business partner, SS.  Well, ever since I moved to DC she has been telling me that her husband, W., thinks I should meet his friend.  W. reads the other blog, so he should have a decent idea of my personality.  The friend lives about three hours south of here.  So far in his emails he seems nice, grownup and intimidatingly smart, which I do love in a man.  One of his hobbies is Civil War reenacting.  When I told my co-worker that, she decided to make up a Civil War name for him and settled on Ernest Rutherford.  In the meantime, I started thinking that learning to fire a musket would make for a fantastic date!  Anyway, I  think I will call him Ernest on this blog.  We’ll probably progress to talking on the phone next week and see how that goes.

Christmas came and went.  I’ve been on vacation–enjoying introvert time reading, exercising and reflecting on the end of the year.  Look for that stuff on the other blog, along with tales of one of the best experiences of the year for me: posing nude.

In other news, the optimist is moving away.  Of course, he has been declaring for as long as I’ve known him that he’s moving away and in fact gave notice to his landlord at one point last February as I recall.  We went to lunch and a play on Christmas Eve to say goodbye.  I haven’t spent much time with him these last few months.  In the end, I couldn’t take quite so much optimism.  But I’m sorry to see him go.

My focus as I begin 2012 is on getting healthy and strong for roller derby.  I have other goals too–to get back to writing poems, to be a little more social–but fitness is the number one priority for the next few months.

You may recall, it was his turn to make a move.  Meanwhile, I invited him along with about ten other coworkers to roller derby this weekend.  No big deal.  I invite people at work to roller derby all the time.  He emailed to say he couldn’t come because his band was playing that night.  He invited me to come see his band.

So I rounded up two of my friends, and we went.  They got there first.  They said he asked them if I was coming.  He played.  We made affirmational statements about his playing.  My friends were ready to leave.  I told him my friends were leaving but I wondered if he was sticking around and would like to have a drink.  We had a drink.  He walked me to the metro.  He gave me a hug.

Both times we have spent time together outside of work, he has done this thing with the hug.  He pulls away and give me a quizzical look.  I keep thinking it is the look of a man who wants to kiss me but isn’t sure he should.  It could be my imagination.  It could be something else entirely.  It could just be me making an ass of myself.

If he weren’t my coworker, I would have kissed that quizzical look right off his face last night and found out once and for all.  But I just can’t bring myself to do it.  Ugh.  What am I gonna do?  And whose turn is it now?

MoMA also had a Diego Rivera exhibit that just went up last week, so that was a nice surprise.

After plenty of art and an excellent lunch (best museum food I’ve had in awhile), I spent the rest of the afternoon wandering around Manhattan.  It was a long-ass bus ride home, but it was a small price to pay for an excellent birthday.

And now I am 37. 

My life is not perfect, but it is better than it has been for a very long time.  I’m happy.  I’m hopeful.  What more could I ask for?

I can’t figure it out, though.  I got a distinct date vibe that night.  And we are basically made for each other.  And he’s totally in my league.  Of course, he may be a sensible person who knows better than to date his coworkers.

Today we were in meetings together for four hours.  They were rough meetings.  I was playing my usual role–causing a nuisance, picking things apart, pointing out problems, and talking A LOT.  Meanwhile, my coworker was being all calm and nice and letting other people have a turn.  Maybe he is horrified by me.  I have to say, if I had to sit in meetings with someone like me all day, I probably would not be thinking about how great it would be to date that person.  I probably would be thinking a) Does she ever say anything nice?  b) Does she ever shut up? and c) When is this meeting going to be over? 

So between that and the roller derby thing, he probably thinks I am scary and undateable.

Sigh.

But I swear he locked eyes with me a beat longer than necessary this morning when he sat down across from me.

Sigh.

In the early 1960′s the U.S. Capitol was renovated.  A set of pillars was installed in the National Arboretum while the rest of the stones from the old structure were stacked up behind the maintenance building in the park.

I’ve had a little crush on this co-worker for quite some time.  He works in a different department than I do, but he’s a statistician so sometimes we are in meetings together, and right before I had my surgery we worked on a small project together.  After we finished the project, I told him I owed him a beer when I got back from sick leave.  So last night we had our beer.

Here is the thing about the statistician: He does not seem to be the kind of guy who would consider the possibility that I might be offering anything other than a nice beer to thank him for his help on the project.  That is what gave me the courage to ask him in the first place!

I kept trying to remind myself that secretly wanting it to be a date did not make it a date.

So we had our drinks, and then he asked if I wanted to get some food.  So we got some food.  (Maybe he was just hungry?  Maybe he wanted to spend more time with me?)

We talked about work and non-work things.  I really like talking to him.  He is basically a brilliant, nice, adorable, stand-up guy.

When we parted on the sidewalk he gave me a hug, and that is what makes me think it may have been a date.  The statistician does not seem to be the kind of guy who goes around hugging his female co-workers.

Here’s the other thing about the statistician:  He reminds of of CSB who was also a brilliant, nice, adorable, stand-up guy to whom I could not stay committed.  So that is worrisome.

And then there is the problem of his being a co-worker.  First of all, if we were to date, at some point I would share my unconventional views on commitment and monogamy, which would probably drive him away.  And then I’d have to sit in meetings with him knowing that he would know what a freak I am.  Even if the unconventional points of view did not drive him away, it’s not like my relationships end well.  So again, I’d be sitting next to him in meetings with both of us feeling awkward.

But then I think about how much I respect him and really enjoyed spending time with him last night.  I think we would get along, and I think he might like me too.  So now what?

I wonder if he, too, is trying to figure out whether it was a date.

P.S. My other non-dates were fine.  I am actually sort of glad that the lobbyist is seeing someone else as it doesn’t seem like we are a good fit romantically, but we both really seem to enjoy spending time together as friends.  So that’s cool.  Uneventful outing with the writer.  No kissing.  My real date was ok, too.  I was not particularly impressed with the journalist after all.  He didn’t ask for a second date, so I don’t think he was very impressed with me either.

The family next door had seven children.  The oldest was the same age as my older sister and the youngest, twins, were a year younger than me.  We were at each other’s houses all the time.  I had a crush on S., older brother of the twins.  He wouldn’t give me the time of day, and he wouldn’t let any of us climb up into the treehouse he built.  My sister and I formed a club called the Wildcats and built our own treehouses.  Then we wouldn’t let the twins join because they were boys.  We had great times together when we weren’t being evil to each other.

The one who got married yesterday was one of the twins.  He lives nearby in Virginia, and it was a lovely wedding and an even lovelier reception in the bride and groom’s backyard.  I got caught up with all seven of the children and their mother, .Mrs. B., who now has about 20 grandchildren most of whom were running around the reception.  It was beautiful.

As a child, I aspired to be like Mrs. B. when I grew up.  She was always drying herbs or stenciling a room or doing some handy project.  And no matter what time you stopped by her house, there was a pot of hot coffee in the kitchen, and she’d stop whatever she was doing and sit down to talk with you.  The kids were always running in and out with their friends.  It was a happy, unstructured madhouse.  I think you can see, I am nothing at all like Mrs. B.

Not only am I not handy at all, or hospitable, I don’t want a husband, and I don’t want any children.  It’s interesting, though.  When I was dating and married to CSB, every time I’d see the boy next door he’d ask when I was going to start having children.  For some reason, he believed very strongly that I’d be a natural mother.  I don’t know why.

Even though I don’t want any of those conventional things anymore, I keep thinking about Mrs. B.’s kitchen and her never-ending pot of coffee.  It was a warm and beautiful place.  I wish I still had a place like that to go sometimes.  I wish I were the sort of person who could create that.

Monday I’m seeing the lobbyist, who found a girlfriend in the two months since I last saw him.  But we’re having a drink anyway.  Maybe we’ll be friends.

Tuesday I’m having a drink with the writer.  It really is just a drink.  I’m over him.  Although I might not be able to resist if he kisses me, but he probably won’t.

Later in the week is the main event, courtesy of online dating.  The guy looked at my profile and contacted me, which never happens.  I thought his photo was promising and his profile was impressive.  Then I googled him.  And after watching footage of him being interviewed on CNN and reading a review of his book on Amazon, I am feeling slightly inadequate.  I’m sure I will have whipped myself into a frenzied mass of insecurity by Thursday.  Ugh.

On the other hand, last week I met one of my heroes–I guy whose book (about my area of  speciality) I have been carrying around since grad school.  And I was not impressed.  In fact, I thought the consulting work he had just presented was a bunch of crap.  So maybe my impressive seeming date will turn out to be human after all.

Important people in other departments, including ones I would like to work in someday (strategy, training) also saw my workshop and had good things to say, so that can’t hurt.

I’m really proud.  I am an expert in this topic,  and I’m a good teacher, and it feels good to know I am helping people learn something I believe is critical to strengthening the nonprofit sector.  This was definitely a shining moment in my career.